God is Not a Gumball Machine

The giant glass globe of wonder: the bubble gum machine. I'm certain that a bubble gum machine has been a part of most everyone's childhood. Those enticing primary colored, 25 cent sugary pieces of joy that lasted about 2 minutes once chewed. I remember one that resided next to the exit door at a grocery store that we went to when I was a little girl. When ever I was given a quarter for a piece of gum, I always crossed my fingers to get a red one. It usually never happened, but when it did it was an exciting moment indeed.

I have come to realize that Christians often treat God like a bubble gum machine when praying to Him. We claim that we desire His will, but in our humanity we often fall into this trap that if we say enough prayers ( put in enough quarters) that then we will get what we desire ( the red flavored gumball.) We've all been guilty of it, me included. We think that if we get enough people to pray for something, pray about something enough times or long enough that God will indeed hear our prayers and grant us the desires of our hearts.

Matthew 21:22 says "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." This verse is communicating that if we believe in Him, He will grant you what you ask for in prayer. Also, in Psalm 37:4 it says that "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." These two verses appear to say that if you believe in faith and ask for it in prayer, that God will grant you the desires of your heart; or, should I say, the red flavored gumball. I think many Christians have misinterpreted these verses, thinking that if they have enough faith they will receive what they want.

In Psalm 139, King David expresses how deeply and intimately God knows His children. to be searched and known ( 37:1) , and to even have Him know what is on our tongue before we even think or speak it ( 37:4). He made us in secret and skillfully wrought us from the depths of the earth and knows all the days of our lives ( 37:15-16). With these truths of how deeply our God knows His children, isn't it safe to say that He knows the desires of our hearts more thoroughly than what we can ever fathom? The key is my friends, to ask God to give you the desires of HIS heart for YOU. To take the imperfectly human condition of our hearts and desires and have it dipped in the crystal blue waters of His purity and majesty, trusting with all our hearts that He is more than familiar with every desire and need of our existence. 

I feel a strong urgency to state that it does not matter the amount of times you pray, the manner in which you pray, the length of your prayer or how many people are praying for you; it will never, ever change Gods plan and the fulfillment of His will. Prayer is not for God, but is for us to have an opportunity to connect with the author of our lives and receive a peace that surpasses all understanding. It is also a reminder of how dependent we are to be on our Savior; that ultimately He is in control of all things and at all times. This kind of trust is a demonstration of our love and faithfulness to Him, and in turn we get to walk in the freedom that is ours for the taking.

This post is derived from my own recent personal temptation to look at God as a gumball machine, trying in vain to get that red gumball. I desire His will for my life, and sometimes I find myself lying in bed, tears streaming across my face, wondering if He really cares about my desires. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I consistently desire the same things as I am seeking His will for my life, but He doesn't open those doors...at least not yet. It is then that I am reminded that I belong to Him and not myself. That although I may desire to be something, do something or have something, it may be that "I" is the very thing in the way of following His footsteps. 

May you have the courage to seek His will with all things in your life. May your prayers change from "my will be done" to "thy will be done". In the meantime, chew on the truths of His love and faithfulness, a flavor to the soul that will never go stale.

Timeless Comfort and Constant Refuge Through the Ages

Few things in this life are timeless. Change is constant and constantly present. Even things such as a classic pant suit undergo adjustments to fit into the acceptable list of fashionable attire, and flowers that have been around since the beginning of time are being arranged, dyed and tinted to appear more "unique", though to me the beauty of an untouched rose is truly timeless.

This last month as I've been reading Psalms and other books of the Bible, I've had these images flash in my head of all the hundreds of thousands of people who have read the same books, chapters and verses. I would imagine that Psalms 186 of my Bible is not the only one that is tear stained, or that the pages of the book of Romans in my Bible are not the only pages falling out of the binding. I know I'm not the only one who totes her Bible to coffee houses, or to a park on a sunny afternoon. 

I'm not sure why, but knowing this information makes me feel less alone in this life. Lately I have had images flash in my head of an abused and battered woman who appears to have the "perfect everything" retreats to a closest and shuts the door; knowing that is the only place she feels safe. She reaches for the light switch, sits on a box and opens her Bible to Psalms 46:1. "God is our refuge, a very present help in trouble" is what she speaks out loud in between sobs, over and over again until she has enough strength to endure the next physical blow of her husband and assault on her spirit.

The next image flashed into my head takes us back to the 1800's. A black slave who has just seen his wife raped by his owners son, simply because he did not work hard enough that day in the fields. In His sweat and tears,  he breaks down on his hands and knees and quotes scripture that he has memorized, because for his owner to know he can read would be a threat on his life and the lives of his family. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." Luke 23:24.

A young woman who has applied and applied and applied to medical school to follow the dream and desire to become a pediatrician, only to be rejected over five times in three years. With the fifth rejection, she pulls out a little encouragement card that was given to her by a lady in her Bible study. "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord. 'Plans to proper you and not to harm you; a plan to give you a hope and a future.' " -Jeremiah 29:11.

The missionary who is being held captive in a jail cell after being caught leading a worship service in her home. As she holds the back of her head after it was beat down with the butt of a gun, she pulls the tattered pages of Romans out of her shoe, and bending on her knees she reads the truth of Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

The woman who met an abortion survivor at her work place; satan reeling her into pain, guilt and condemnation, because she herself had had an abortion as a teenager, a choice that she has never revealed to a living soul, but one that has haunted her while awake and asleep. With the pill bottle in her hand and the intent to take her own life, the Father whispers to her "Behold, I am making all things new! These words are reliable and true."- Revelation 21:1

So many stories, so much pain. So many copies in so many translations, so many countries and different places in time... But this one thing remains timeless and true: "...And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."-Matthew 28:20.

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You Don't Belong Here

 Smile. Be nice. Make small talk. Bag their items. See them run out the door.

I repeated this scenario what seemed like over a thousand times in 5 hours last Saturday, the day before Easter Sunday. Towards the end of my shift, an enthusiastic mentally disabled man sporting a Dallas Cowboy's jacket came through my lane. He was so proud of that jacket, and listed off all their stats to me as his care taker payed for his items. The guest that came after him looked at me in awe and said  "You were so good with him." to which I responded that mentally disabled people are people too, and that I've worked a lot with seniors and seniors with dementia. She smiled at me, looked at me straight in the eye and said "What are you doing here? You don't belong here. You don't belong in a place like this." She had such a look of peace on her face, and her eyes were soft and kind. Little did she know how prophetic a statement that was in my life, unless of course she was an angel; a possible factor that I haven't ruled out quite yet.

"What are you doing here? You don't belong here." This statement been resonating in my head and heart for as long as I can remember. To be truthful, I have never quite felt like I "fit in" or "belong", and the times in which I did were few and far between. The only time that I felt like I fit in and belonged was when I was in a choir. My voice was used as one of many, but often used to help lead the other voices or singled out in a solo portion of a song. The other time I felt like I belonged and fit in was when I was taking care of seniors; having one leaning on my arm for support was one of the greatest fulfillment's of my life.

My mom is a wise woman, and most definitely my best friend. When I would have those moments of young adult loneliness, she would look me in the eye and put her hand on my shoulder. "Sarah, you are a leader. Leaders are always lonely." Some things won't ever change. Humans are dynamic; they won't ever, ever stay the same. However, there are some elements that never change, such as Gods design of an individual. No matter if I like it or not, I will always be a leader, even when I am not physically in a leadership position. There is no cap for Gods design of His children.

Since recovering from my illness and the blow of losing another job, God has been working over time in His personal revelations in my life. One of those revelations is that I don't belong here. This earth is just a temporary place in passing until we reach our heavenly dwelling, right into the arms of our Savior. However, He has also told me that because of this truth, I will not ever fit into this world; that because of His love, grace and faithfulness in my life, I will always be that square among circles, the Minnesotan accent among the southern drawl, the deep among the shallow. Not because of me, but because of who is within me.

Who am I to say where I belong? If it is God that has given me my talents, strengths and abilities, who am I to say where they should be used? If I am Gods baby girl, isn't my only job to do the next right thing and seek His will for my life? 

Friends, I urge you to lay aside your pride and need to have all the answers. I urge you to empty yourself before God, to seek His will for your life; to really and truly tell Him that you want Him to take you where you need to go, use you in the way He desires to use you and break you in the areas that need to be shattered. In your need to belong and fit in, you are forfeiting the true sense of completion of your spirit in realizing that you belong to Him. 

Not So Nice Girl

I have always considered myself a "nice" girl. I usually try to say nice things, dress nicely and other "nice girl" standards. Most people would never take me for ever being "rough around the edges"; a "don't judge a book by its cover" moment that I've been the amused receiver of several times in my life. 

In fact, several years ago I made the decision to get my nose pierced because A) I thought it would be cute on my nose shape and B) because than maybe people wouldn't assume that I'm not the "piercing and tattoos" goody too-shoes type of gal. It should be noted that I no longer have the nose ring ( which worked out in the long run, due to the fact that my boyfriend does not like nose rings) and I don't have any tattoos simply because I am a wuss. BUT, you get the point.

God is good and faithful, but I must confess that I am quite tired of getting beat down in life. I feel like I've been in a boxing match with life as my opponent. I will be this close to winning a round, when WHAM! Life knocks me on my butt and gives me a concussion. Then I get back on my feet and start strategically swinging my fists at Life, when he comes out of nowhere with a move that hurls me into the rope. But with Gods strength, I'm able to stand on my feet and keep going round after round until the end of the game.

I have lost a total of 3 jobs in the past 3 years, which has produced major financial stress that is never ending. I moved across country and into the south where I met the love of my life, but that wasn't complete without losing a promising job after the first week, due to being sick with strep and mono. It may appear that I'm complaining in this post, and maybe I am...just a little. However, like everything I write, I pray that God will use my life experiences and perspectives that He gives me to bless and encourage others. Removing "me" from the equation and placing Him at the forefront.

I have so very much to be grateful for, and I am grateful for those things, but that is for another post at another time. This is my "not so nice girl" post. I am an honest woman. If you ask me how I am, I'm going to tell you in some way, shape or form the status of my being. I've tried lying and it just doesn't work for me. No poker face possible for this girl, even if a large sum of money or my favorite lip gloss was at stake.

Working as a cashier has its perks, but one of the frustrations that I have ( other than those ridiculous plastic bags that won't open and make me want to swear, as well as people talking on their cell phones while going through my lane) is that I feel like life and pretty items are going right past me. 

Let me explain.

I stand behind that counter with my little zapping gun and conveyor belt, smiling and asking how people how they are doing, ring up their items, take their money, give them them their receipt and then they are gone. They all have somewhere else that they need to be going; a birthday party, a dinner date, work, home, school or another errand. I can usually tell what their "status" of life is, though of course one can't be entirely accurate in a little 5-7 minute interaction. I see those women my age with a gorgeous diamond ring and loads of cash in their coach wallets, those stay-at-home moms with mouths to feed, those career women and rich grandpa's and grandmas giving their grand children $100 to spend on whatever toys they want...and I think to myself:

What about me?! When will my moment come? When will I have a fulfilling career, money to spend on a beautiful outfit complete with a matching hand bag, or wine, pizza and a chick flick for a weekend with the girls?! Not to mention, when will I have places to go other than to work and the occasional grocery store or Good Will thrill?

Now, before you get all "high and mighty" on me, I know how blessed I am. I know that there are a lot of other people in this world who are going through much worse boxing matches than what I am. In fact,  you may be one of those people. However; perspective, gratitude and a good attitude has its place just as much as honesty of the human condition.

And let's be honest.

Sometimes this life just plain sucks. Jesus Himself said " ....in the world you will have tribulation. but take heart! I have overcome the world."-John 16:33. I know this in my heart and believe it within my soul, but that doesn't mean that I can always stuff away my personal tribulations and stamp a big smiley face on the box. And frankly, I don't think Jesus wants me to.

Jesus wants us to be real. He wants us to be real with Him, ourselves and other people. When we are authentic we shine the light of Christ, for Christ is the definition of authenticity. Tonight at work when I made the effort to answer honestly "how I was", facial expressions changed. A smile and a quick "I know exactly what you mean" laugh came out. I had a real connection with that person in a short amount of time, without even knowing their name. 

However, I've decided that I really need friends when I was actually sad that one of my guests left my lane. I wanted so badly to just have a cup of coffee with her, and I will probably never see her again. Weird? Yes. Authentic? You bet. 

Take heart fellow boxers in opposition of life. There is purpose and beauty that can be brought forth from even the worst of tragedies and hardships. My "not so nice girl" post should serve as such an example. :) 

God bless!

Inhabitants of a Powerless World

Job interviews. A time where you dress to impress, try not to talk too much while simultaneously trying to share enough information, try to show that you are well aware of what your weaknesses and strengths are, but most of all, try to trust God that the determination of you getting that job is not the least bit dependent upon those interviewing you.

Yes. You heard me right. The fate of those types of situations are not at all dependent upon the ones that have the power to "make or break" our plan, our hopes, our happiness. We live in a world that appears to have such an immense amount of control; our president and his officials, police officers, court appointed judges, people selected for a jury, etc.  yes, they have power in this world, but their power is minuscule compared to the power of my God.

Yesterday afternoon at 2:00 P.M., I had a job interview for a position in my field of study; a position that I am more than qualified to fill. They asked me to share with them my work history, and once again I found myself listing the sequence of events that have led me 20 hours away from my family, in an entirely  different part of the United States. One of the questions that they asked went something like this. "With you jumping around and moving from place to place and job to job, how would you fit into a position that desires commitment and longevity?". I told them that although my job history and experiences look inconsistent and definitely a risk to hire as an employee, but that I truly believe that I had to have all of those experiences in order to get to where I am now. 

I am at a place that I desire every one of my readers to reach at some place in their lives. I've never been here before, but it's powerful and it's peaceful. It's a full and complete understanding that is not possible without the spirit of God. That place that I speak of, is complete surrender and trust in an Almighty God.

When I left that interview, I realized that there is absolutely NO power greater than my Father. That if He wills me to fill that wonderful position and receive those benefits that would meet my needs, Praise the Lord! However, if I am not chosen to fill that role, it is because God has seen fit for that to take place.

We give far too much credit to the powers of this world, and the people who seemingly have the power over a situation. As children of God, we have the peace and the security of knowing that the events in our life are planned in such a way for our good. It is our humanity that allows us to question this truth, and it is the prince of darkness that preys on our humanity and our soul. My crazy life may appear to be a risky factor for those who desire to hire me, but I know that MY GOD is the ONLY factor that will determine anything in my life. No mistake I've made, past petty and jealous supervisors, ex-boyfriends or budget cuts will EVER hold power over Gods will in my life. He is capable. He is loving. He will take care of me. 

May you find this peace friend, may you find this joy that I experience from the depths of my heart. May you not fall prey to the traps of this world and the lie that our limitations of power and authority on this earth are directly connected to our fate on this earth. Besides, this is a temporary place in passing. All that we have ever known is not what we are destined to know. 

Glory be to God the Father. The author, perfecter and ruler of our lives.

God's Holding Pattern

Wait. Stay. Rest.Trust.

These are words that are common words for the person in a "holding pattern". A pattern is a succession of events, results or things that eventually overlap each other and start from the beginning. You put the word "holding" in front of pattern, and it's not a pretty paisley print on a bed comforter.

I feel like I have been in this particular pattern for quite a long time. As I am gaining my health back from having mono, I find myself fighting to accept my limitations of this place in time. The money I am making from my little part time job isn't nearly enough to cover even the basics of basics, not to mention the ridiculous cost of gas on a monthly basis just to get to my job. So I do what I know to do...

Wait. Stay. Rest. Trust.

The next right thing is all that a person can do is any situation. I have been hunting for a full time job and a closer job, once again entering the world of online applications, resumes and job interviews. I continue to drive the 45 minutes to my $8.00 an hour job, praying for the strength to rise above how I feel and see the good and be grateful for what has been given to me.

Wait. Stay. Rest. Trust.

On the way back home from getting a part on my car replaced that was recalled, I expressed my frustration to my wonderful boyfriend. He lovingly reminded me that both of us are in a holding pattern, and that is is going to be awhile until things start to change. As I pondered this thought, I realized that as  children of God, we are to always be in a holding pattern of trusting in our God. Could it be that those periods of time where we are called to wait, those wretched holding patterns that seem to never end, are actually allowed and placed in our lives so that we consistently have reason to trust our heavenly Father? 

Wait. Stay. Rest. Trust.

Oh, the Places It's Been

Tattered, slightly dirty, worn and "with character" are words that I would use to describe my Bible and its cover. My Bible was given to me for confirmation from my parents, over 12 years ago. The Bible itself is highlighted, underlined, rabbit eared and smudged in places, while the case itself holds special letters, cards, and other things pertinent to my walk with Christ and/or something I do not want to ever lose, such as my passport. 

I have been a lot of places, and every where I have moved; every adventure and assignment I've had, my Bible has come with me.

It has been in countless coffee shops, evident of the coffee stains. It has been in many vehicles, on planes, and nearly every state in the United States, not to mention Cambodia and Singapore.

It has been in many churches, Bible studies, personal homes and outdoor park benches. It has been at several summers of summer camp, evident by the bird poop stain that I can't get out of the vinyl.

 My Bible has been a constant, unchanging tangible item. From time to time, I have thought about maybe replacing the cover with something cleaner and updated, but then I always come back to the conclusion that I want to keep it the way it is, the way it has always been. In a world with constant changes, and for a woman who seems to always be living out of a tote and "half packed", ready for the next transition and move... to know that that Bible is coming with me, when I can't take my family, friends, or anything else as comforting, is truly the greatest comfort of them all.

I don't read it as much as I should. I'm horrible with memorizing verses, and have on more then one occasion tried to start the Bible from beginning to the end, barely making it through Exodus. However, my Bible is a source of hope; a representation of stability. Gods word is inherent and everlasting, so I can always count on Psalm 86 being applicable to my life, always on the same page number of my Bible as it was when I was 13. My Bible is also living and active, capable of not changing content but of the Holy Spirit enabling me to receive and learn things in new and different ways.

May the everlasting, unchanging word of God give you a comfort and peace that surpasses all understanding, the direction that you need and joy your heart seeks. May you find your stability in the unchanging in a constantly changing life.