Sinful Resistance and Transparency

I've resisted for so long, but I couldn't tell you why until recently.

You would think that something peaceful like a journal, a pen that writes "just right", an extended moment of silence, God and me...would be something craved, something that I needed as much as I need my morning and afternoon cup of coffee.

Sadly, that has not been the case.

Any of you who know me know that I desire to be transparent in all that I do and am. I don't want anyone for a second thinking that I'm not being "real" with them; my writing is no different, and hopefully it will take a new level of depth and transparency in this new season of me.

Why? Why would I resist quiet time with the one who created me, loves me, and has never left or forsaken me? For the one whose allegiance to me is sealed with His blood, and His tenderness and love for me is that of a shepherd who goes after me, the one of the 99 who decided to leave the flock?

Oh, I could make up a bunch of reasons as to why this could be. "I'm too busy", "I'm too tired", "I'm a mother of a toddler", "I have to work a lot", but the truth is-

It's because I have to surrender.

You see, when I'm constantly going and doing and achieving even the small things, I don't have the opportunity to get real with my Father and tell Him that I can't do this life without Him. When I open up that journal, close my eyes and let the Holy Spirit breathe through my tattered and sinful self, I am forced to see my sins in writing. The most offensive being that I have picked up again what I had laid down at His feet. I am reminded of how without Christ within me, I am no good in any way. That ultimately, I have no control over my circumstances and sometimes my emotions, but only have control of my response to them.

Again and again I try to find my identity in anything but my royal heritage of The King. For some reason that isn't enough; reason is sin. A child can't control whether or not he is conceived or born, just as much as he can't choose who his parents are. Being a child of God is no different, except for the fact that unlike earthly, sinful parents our Heavenly Father will never leave nor forsake us. He has promised us that, unlike the broken and shattered promises of the well intentioned or the scared.

Right now, what in this very moment, I find myself tempted to grasp hold of anything but Christ. I have been on a sugar free journey over the past couple years, and recently I've hit this place where I legitimately don't even want a brownie.

Do you know how weird that feels?

I cannot remember a day in my life where I didn't crave chocolate or some kind of sweet something. It made me feel like for a brief second, everything wasn't as bad as it really was. It became a crutch, a part of childhood memories and this necessary thing that had to be in my every day. Now that it is gone, I find myself almost grieving. Silly? Maybe. Humbling? Definitely, because He is showing me how empty an idol that was for so many years. That all this time He has been there, waiting to fill me with His Word, His promises, which are sweeter than any pan of brownies or bag of gummy worms.

Friend, there is a time for everything. It took me a very, very long time to the revelations that I shared with you in this post. Did you know that because God is sovereign that means that before today it wasn't time for me to understand these things? I encourage you with that truth. Just as you can't force bread to bake any faster in an oven can you force God to show you and lead you to things like this.

The silence is over for now, as my daughter has woken up and is letting me know in a very loud way that she is done with her nap. May these personal and transparent revelations bless you in the way that God wants you to be blessed, because He is good like that.