Last night at work I was ringing up some adorable, mini "real life" looking infant dolls. I took one look at them, and shared with the customer that those would have been perfect dolls for residents in a memory care. She looked at me like I was nuts, and then I tried to explain myself, which further made me appear to be nuts.
And then I realized...
This woman really doesn't care. She smiled at me politely and said something to the effect of "that's nice", and went about her business. I said "Have a great night", and then mentally kicked myself for not keeping that comment to myself.
You see, in my world, finding a real life looking infant doll for $3.00 is something worth mentioning. Why? Because it would benefit and comfort a woman with severe dementia. I could envision handing the doll wrapped up in a pink baby blanket to one of my past residents, seeing the look of sheer love and joy on her wrinkled face as she rocked the baby and kissed the top of her head.
However, my world has changed. It has gone from meaningful experiences like this one, to wearing red and khaki and asking "Can I help you find something?". It has gone from having conversations about World War 2 and rolling out lefse, to pushing chemicals to the front of the shelf. Tears well up in my eyes as I reminisce about what my 8 hour work day used to look like, though I must be careful to not paint a perfect picture of that time.
I simply don't know where God wants me, or what He wants me to do. Right now, I know that He has placed me in Target to be a "fast, fun and friendly" employee to help pay the bills and serve as a transition job till I am led to a more permanent position somewhere. But I know it's temporary. Heavens, everything is temporary on this earth. Everything will eventually die, erode or move on, everything but God's word (Matthew 24:35). Though this truth is comforting, it still does not stop the human desire to know where He is leading me and who He is shaping me to be. It is so hard for me to accept that right now and right here is what it is for right now.
I have been feeling like I have been losing parts of myself, but maybe God is just putting those things on the back burner or removing them completely because those parts werent' as great as I thought they were. I'm sure that there is some glorious, beautiful, refined result of this season of my life... I just pray for the perspective, strength and willingness to believe that there is.
I know many people who read my blog have felt ministered to and inspired by the thoughts and perspectives that the Lord has given me, and I praise Him for that. However, I also pray that my brokenness, honesty and humility will do the same. I really don't have answers right now and I don't have much perspective, but I have the hand of Christ on my heart and on my shoulder, leading me in both ways at the same time.
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