Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Pre-life Changing Moment Ramble

 Could it be? Has it really been over a year since I've logged onto my blog to write? I used to write all the time. It used to be a necessary past time/hobby to keep me sane; something that I felt called to do.

What happened?

Life, I suppose. My life has been steady, routine, and dare I say, boring. Sometimes I wonder if I no longer have anything that I feel is worth writing about, or thought that maybe nobody would find it interesting or beneficial. Or maybe this writers drought was put in place for a reason and a purpose. Regardless, at this very moment I find myself in a place of complete quiet and solitude, with a sleeping orange fur baby on my left and a very active baby girl rolling around in my womb as if she is contemplating making her arrival in the near future ( one can only hope.)

What is it about major, life changing events that cause a person to want to crawl into a fetal position, block out the rest of the world and hibernate until that event arrives? I remember a very similar feeling over 10 years ago when I was awaiting the trip of a life time to tour overseas and across America with a performing arts ministry. There was a period in between where the current work was completed but it wasn't yet time to hop the plane to California for the new adventure. I distinctly remember being in my pajamas, lying on the couch eating chocolate ice cream and watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. There was one particular episode with a circus theme, in which one of the characters was terrified to walk a tight rope that rested extremely high in the air. Even though there was a net to catch her when and if she fell, she was still scared. But of course she triumphed,the corresponding orchestral music affirmed that she did, and I cried like a baby.

I have walked many a life tight rope since then, always falling into the net of Gods grace and provision.Though soon....very soon, the greatest event of my life(next to marrying my best friend) is about to happen, and I have a feeling I'm going to need Gods net of grace and provision more than ever before.

Our daughter. Those two words together bring hormonal induced tears to my eyes as I contemplate what that means. Even after nearly 9 months I can't wrap my mind around what it is really going to mean to be the mother of a baby girl; a child that will call me "mom" and my husband her "dad". It sounds simple, but the closer the event comes the more I can't wrap my mind around the meaning.

I suppose the greatest loves are those in which we can't wrap our minds around, nor should we. When I contemplate my relationship with God...all the twists, turns, droughts and honeymoons  that I've had with my Savior, I still can't quite grasp what His love truly means for me: a sinner who is absolutely and completely helpless and purposeless without Him. And as the greatest responsibility of my life approaches at a rapid rate, so increases the raw truth that without Him I am nothing and can be nothing for my daughter.

I don't know exactly what you are facing in this moment, but I do know that there is a Father who desires to give you peace by having complete and utter dependence on Him. I also hope that in some small way, my raw honesty about my personal journey will benefit and bless you, pointing you to the Giver of all those things.