Friday, November 6, 2009

Brokeness

It is a Friday morning, and I'm just about ready to fill my mug with the 1/4 amount of coffee left in the pot. It is amazing how much comfort a small routine like drinking a cup of peppermint mocha flavored coffee can be.

So much has happened in the past month, and it has happened so quickly. I have often thought that I need to write this all down so that it leaves my brain and lands on some other format. I have found that one of the most challenging aspects of living alone is the fact that I have less opportunities to verbally process the events of the day, week, month, etc. I've been a "verbal processor" since I was a little girl. Internalizing thoughts, feelings and ideas was something that I really didn't understand how to do, and that fact remains true today. I remember how I would have dozens of spiral notebooks, filled with short stories and poems. It was my refuge in the chaos of my life. Funny how we come back to those things, isn't it?

If I could choose a theme for this season of my life, it would be a combination of two concepts. Those two concepts are "brokenness" and "trust". Putting them together in a sentence would look like this " In my brokenness, I learn to trust God".

Yes, that's it. Never before have I felt so keenly aware that I am need in of something greater than the world, and even greater then my personal strength. Daily I am reminded by my low bank account, my aching back from bending over a scanner about 35 hours a week, the insane amount of homework that continues to pile up and the loneliness of living alone and working towards a goal. Somewhere in my humanness I think that it is up to me; that to be successful is completely up to me. And when I am not successful, that is a direct reflection of who I am as a person, which is also known as a "failure". 

Something that God has revealed to me during this time in Hutchinson is that I have believed too many lies, for too long. Oh sure, I was able to identify some of the obvious ones that have plagued my life from little on, lies that I had given a name to. But in my vulnerabilities, in my pain, those lies took on a whole new look and new ones were discovered.

Lie number 1: " Your best is never good enough"
Lie number 2: " You are ultimately alone"
Lie number 3: " You will never understand what it means to rely upon and love a man"
Lie number 4: " You are not strong enough"
Lie number 5: " You will never truly be taken care of"

I'm sure that there are other ones that haven't been identified yet, but these are the ones that God so graciously unveiled to me. I have also come to the conclusion that remaining humble and broken on a consistent basis is the key to allowing God to reveal Himself to you."Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6